We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You took a bar mat shot.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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