I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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