That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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