Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
