man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
