Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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