If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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