Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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