My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
