Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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