The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
