oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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