where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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