Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
