I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
