Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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