Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
