When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
