doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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