God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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