hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
