I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize