are you still at the devil's house?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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