apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
