My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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