Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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