he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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