my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
There r osticjed everywhere
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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