Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
