I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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