I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
