Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
