Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
