I met the friendliest cop last night
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
