is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
