you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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