Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
