I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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