Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
