When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
