I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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