I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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