I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
We're too hungover to prance.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
