i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
