Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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