I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
