thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize