I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
