If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
