she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
