it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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