i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
