Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
