Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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