Will you blow on my dice?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
