I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
