Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
