i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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