So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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