I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
